Kids Talking Mostly Shit

My two boys were on the phone with Em’s son for like an hour today. On speaker. On the couch, while they watched football. I was in the kitchen getting dinner started and cleaning up some, so I was like 10 feet away the whole time. Every once in a while I would tune in and listen to what they were talking about for a minute, then tune back out again. I tuned out because the conversation was mostly just inanely annoying nonsense ranging from movie quotes to hypothetical video games. At one point I just wanted to shout at them to have a real conversation or hang up the freakin phone if they are just going to hang out talking mostly shit… And then I caught myself.

Who ate all the pie?

Finally! An egg from our freeloading chickens AND inadvertently stole all the Christmas pies- #bestdayever

W That is an awesome day. And that will teach those guys to rush to kick you out on Christmas! I only wish I had some sort of retribution for when you all rushed to kick me off the video call so you could open presents.

Em: Total misunderstanding! Macy was trying to give out gifts and I told her she had to wait til we were done Face-timing because we didn’t want you to see what we got everyone). We weren’t rushing to hang up! I swear we weren’t trying to be jerks.

W: Yeh, well, I cried. And I am the only female in this whole house, so I didn’t even get real sympathy; just a whole household of uncomfortable men/boys staring at me, trying to make conversation to distract me (or them?). It was so painful that (much to their collective relief) I left the room. And I had no pie. In fact, I still have no pie. I made an apple crisp the other day but, let’s all agree, that’s no cheese pie (with double topping). You guys aren’t jerks. Living away sucks.

El: Wend, I’m sorry those jerky boys didn’t know how to comfort you. Obviously, the only acceptable response is “we’re moving!!”. They should have said that. Would have been Best. Christmas. Ever. Or are we still using hashtags? #BestChristmasEver.

Anyways, we haven’t really even scratched the surface of this pie issue here. Em, you probably can’t even touch those pies without getting sick. And did we really rush you out the door?? You spent the whole morning on the phone trying to find a way to get out of there to go “snowboarding”. When the first place was closed (because it was 60 degrees outside, BTW), you tracked down another. You even had your friend Amy get there ahead of time, make sure it was open, and secure your family’s reservations, just to make sure you really had someplace else to go and couldn’t hang out for the day.

Also, we had nowhere near enough roast beef left over for the four of you (or any one of you) to have beef on weck. Next year, we are bringing our own meat.

And, John has decreed that Joe’s Maine Beer is now available to the public. First come, first served.

Lastly, please return my pie plate and pie transport container or there will never be any pie ever again.

With love, hugs and many kisses,
Ellen.

W: Ooooo, the plot thickens! I thought about the irony of Em making off with all that pie-age as well. Exactly who is having the best Christmas ever here…? And why do the rest of us have to be punished if she doesn’t return the plate and carrier?!

Ellen, you are correct about how these boys should have responded to me. That would have easily jumped to the top of my Best Day Ever list. And Best Christmas Ever too. But, alas…

Perhaps there will be one of those nice beers left for me…?

 

Today I caught a squirrel.

 

 

Yep. Today I caught a live squirrel in my trap. I am a trapper-releaser, NOT a Trapper-Keeper! Hahaha! Anyway- the last time I caught a squirrel, it was DEAD. Yes, I am a talented trapper and I caught a dead squirrel in my trap. No one wants to start their day by shaking a dead squirrel out of a trap! And, that’s EXACTLY why I left in in there and waited for my husband to take care of it! Once the trap was clean of said, dead squirrel, I reset it. I am on a forever quest to trap whatever vermin is currently taking up residence under my deck or shed. I don’t know what makes our porch and shed particularly desirable to wild animals… Maybe it’s the mothballs, or the ammonia soaked rags we stuff under there.

W: So what did you do with the live squirrel? You didn’t just release it back into your yard, did you? I think we are on the verge of a chipmunk problem under our porch. I know there are a shit load under there, but they haven’t actually been a problem yet. They stand up on my neighbor’s fence yelling at me if I am out there between them and their home (aka my porch) but they haven’t actually attacked or chewed through anything important yet. I normally just yell back. What’s your skunk situation?

Em: I did not release it- I put it’s head on a stick as a warning to other squirrels!
As for the chipmunks-they are ALWAYS a problem! You need to take care of them- but don’t worry, I have a plan for you!
Step 1: cut a hole in the box… No!no!no! Not THAT plan- it probably wouldn’t work…
Step 1: get a 5 gallon bucket and fill it about half way with water (approx 2 1/2 gallons ;0)
Step 2: sprinkle in some bird seed.
Step 3: put a 2×4 across the top of the bucket (like a bridge) and one leaning against the bucket (like a ramp).
Step 4: done! Now your only problem is the bucket-o-dead chipmunks… You are welcome.

W: Seriously? This is what I have to do? Probably not in December or January… I will have to make sure my friend Tanya is around in case it works – she is the only one I can think of out here who will help me empty a bucket full of drown chipmunks – I think she is my most badassest friend. She had a rabbit stuck in her garden fence a few weeks ago – half in half out – dead. She asked me to help her, or have Steve cut it in half to get it out.  Apparently that is where she draws the line – sawing small animals in half.  I suggested she cut a hole in the fence around the rabbit and then patch the hole. I love that her mind went right to cutting the rabbit in half to get it out…?! And you know Steve will be out of town when my bucket fills up with dead chipmunks. He misses all the good stuff.